Pass the Steak, Por Favor

“So, pick I one thing of here and one of here, no?”

So goes my Spanish as I try to decipher the menu at the posh downtown eatery called 1812. Often, Argentine menus feel like hieroglyphics, with their countless words for “entrails” and multiple spellings of “mozzarella.” The “English” versions, while perfect for a good laugh, are no more helpful. Would you order “A gentle pasta to the Maryland style with blow?” Me neither. I haven’t yet figured out if the drug laws are really liberal enough to permit such obvious trafficking, or if there’s a vegetable out there that stumps Google translator every time. A mystery for another day…

But back to 1812. Bryce and I are staring at the menu, puzzled, as we try to discover why the food remains priceless on the menu. The clinking glasses and soft jazz indicate it’s not a soup kitchen, so we inquire. At first, I think that maybe it’s a fixed menu, where you pick one thing from the appetizers, one from the entrees, and one from the desserts — hence my poorly phrased inquiry. But no, the hostess shakes her head. “16 pesos para todo,” she says. It’s not until we arrive at our table that we understand.

For, next to the gleaming mahogany is a smaller, shorter table. What is it? Nothing other than a staging ground for the endless stream of empanadas, corn tartines, Caesar salads, steak kebobs, French fries, breadsticks, and who knows what else headed our way. At first, we tentatively order a few dishes, unsure of what lay ahead. Had we realized when we stepped into the cool gastronomic paradise, we might have taken a deep breath first. Alas, we dove straight in. Some foods we ordered; others came unannounced. It was a restaurant freely flowing with food. The waiters buzzed about, uncorking local wines and prodding the jewelry-draped, older clientele to request a steak or fillet, to top off their heaping plate of tagliatelle or pancetta.

We watched, somewhat aghast, and tried to figure out exactly what was going on. It’s like a buffet, we realized, sans the marshmallow fluff. Or a cruise ship, where the food is amazing and beautifully presented and nowhere near a boat. At last, we came to the conclusion it’s a food amusement park, where you watch the various dishes pass by whilst sipping a fine mineral water and nibbling on olive-laced bread. When something strikes your fancy, you pounce. Otherwise, it’s all about leaning back and enjoying the show … and admiring the waiters, all of who are immaculately dressed and gorgeous. And no matter how long you tough it out, how gluttonous a feast you make your visit, you pay just a meager $16 pesos.

Find me a Hy-Vee Grand Buffet with cloth napkins, heaping dishes accented by swirls of vivid green and red sauces, at-table service, and all for a cost of less than $5.30, and I’ll be stateside in a flash. Until then, well...


By the way, I've put up a few pictures.